A Seat At The Table

Recently Solonge released her new album which explores being black and being yourself which can sometimes be mutually exclusive events. It’s a masterpiece, which is relatable to everyone who’s ever struggled with the two.

These days I’m lucky that I can be myself, unapologetically. But it’s not easy, not yet anyway. There are moments I still have to remind myself not to compromise who I am for X, Y or Z. And getting here was miles harder than trying to maintain it.

Several things got me here. I wrote, prayed, worked out, read and waited. Lots of waiting. I had to think, evaluate and reevaluate. I had to feel, completely immerse myself. All followed by more waiting.

I was satisfied with who I’d discovered myself to be. So I relaxed into that girl and started living her life. Doing things that she enjoyed, pushing her to do the things she didn’t . Surrounding her with like minded people. Loving and respecting her. C’était un rêve devenu réalité.

But of course it had to end. After all that bliss my rocket headed for the stars ran out of gas. At first I didn’t notice, but when it hit me I fell hard and fast.

It left me disorientated. Right now I don’t know if I’m rising or still falling.

Despite that my fundamental values are unshaken. So I’m going to do what I do best – write, pray, read, work out and wait. Until I work it out again, till I’m happy truly again. When I can swim and enjoy the view instead of just staying afloat.

So what’s the relation to the title? Well first it’s the name of Solonge’s album. Second it’s a beautiful metaphor – that I’ll probably write about again.

The table in this post represents my life. So it’s vital I’m on that table, with everyone else who has the power to shape my life. Helping to guide it when it veers away from my fundamental values.

I like the metaphor because not all of us feel we have a place on the table. Hell for a long time the table wasn’t even in the same building as me. So I worked my way to that table. Only for the whole building to collapse around me. So take 2, lets go on this journey again.

Dear Bertha,

I’m doing this because you were strong enough to keep going. I’m hoping your strength runs in me as well. Also because I promised James that I’d be there for him. For him to have to lose more would be so unthinkable after he lost you. I found my place in life then lost it now I have to rebuild.