finding myself

my first blog (ish, first serious blog) was called trying to find myself, all one word because I was SO cool. it was such a journey, teenage me had so many thoughts running around her head about who she felt she was, who she ought to be and who she really wanted to become. so, I wrote it all down – on the internet – kind of like an open diary.

so did I ever find myself?

well, all that soul searching taught me plenty of things, most of which I’m happy to say stuck with me. it really helped me see what I thought was important and why.

the best part of it was realising that I could love all the parts of my identity, and why it mattered that I knew my foundation. there are soooo many things (people, ideologies, products, companies) trying to influence who we are so we can help them in some way, it’s just how the world works and it’s not inherently good or bad. I am just happy that I now know where I won’t compromise, so I can remain ‘me’.

in short, I am confident in who I am, as a Christian who is black, an immigrant and female – and anything that requires me to be less of any of those things won’t get my time, money or whatever else they want.

queue a very smug 21 year old (me) who thought she had it all figured out already and the work was done… how naive!

finding myself was only part one of my journey, and I finally understand what part two is – understanding the contexts that bought me to where I am. I haven’t lived in a vacuum, things far bigger than my blog have influenced the path I ended up on. things like culture, my family, class, the education I received, the histories of the countries I’ve lived in and those I haven’t…

so I think that’s what this blog will be about at its core*, that’s what the next few years, maybe even decades, of my life will be about. and because I love reading and spending time with my head in the clouds I’m sure this’ll be a load of fun!

*of course, there’ll still be lots of fun stuff because I can’t spend all my time being deep!

photo cred: Suad Kamardeen

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I was born in a flawless country,

one full of hope, sunshine and an awe-inspiring perseverance.

I was born in a broken country,

one with a painful recent history of colonisation and abuse of power

I was born in a rich country,

it boasts jewels and treasures that one can only imagine.

I was born in a poor country,

where injustice and corruption work against those born with less.


however you see this country, it will always be my home. the place I want to be when things it feels like I have it all and when it feels like it’s all slipping through my fingers.

when I was younger, I spent my afternoons watching American TV shows and wishing I could escape. ironically after a decade of living outside of my native country, every bone in my body itches to be back when I’m away. And I am so blessed that I get to come home as often as I do (in fact, I’m writing this post from my home country) because too many people never get to to truly go home even if they long to.


I was born in Zimbabwe. it has a long history, one so interesting and turbulent that novel after novel could be written about it. it has so many different cultures and traditions within its borders that 21 years hasn’t been enough for me to grasp a small fraction of them. and, I believe and pray, that Zimbabwe has a rich future to come, one that not merely financial, one that involves the social and spiritual uplifting of every single person.

photo cred: David Clode 

update 01/06/19

hoping you’ve had a lovely May wherever you are and that June is just as great or even better!

I have been gone (and will continue to be for a bit longer) because I’m currently in the middle of my exams. let’s just say being a student has just gotten a lot less fun but I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end, God willing. this is just one of those times where hobbies, like my beautiful little blog, need to take a break so I can focus better on uni.

thank you for sticking through this extremely dry season with me, I have so many post ideas waiting to come to life and lots happening this summer that I’m excited to share!

until next time, K

photo cred: Paweł Czerwiński 

marriage II

Til Death Do Us Part?

I was challenged by a podcast (non-apple link) I was listening to recently which got me thinking about wedding vows and their importance.

according to the world wide web, vows are compulsory in western churches and a shortened version of them is used for civil marriages in the UK. however it wasn’t always this way here and isn’t thing in many places around the world.

to me, vows are a spoken contract (or covenant) between an engaged couple. I think the spoken aspect is important because it means you can be held accountable, by your spouse, the people who were there and for people of faith, God. making it even more important that you mean what you say…

today, apparently it’s a thing to write your own vows which I think is amazing because it forces the couple to sit and actually agree on what they’re in this for. which brings me back to the podcast.

the speaker, David, said he asks couples a question (I assume when counselling them?) that would totally suck out all the adorable, rom-com-esque emotions any engaged couple was feeling…

what are the circumstances under which you would divorce them [your fiancé]?

David Marvin, The Porch Podcast

although it sounds harsh it made me stop and seriously think about one of the most iconic and heavy lines in vows, ‘til death do us part‘.

while I don’t know how many people getting married here said those words on their big day, I do know that in 2017 roughly 8 in 1000 het couples got divorced (totals to over 100,000) and the average marriage lasts about 12 yrs. there is lots of context to these figures but I won’t go into it! I’ll make the assumption, based on this data that despite the best intentions, lots of married couples have things that would make them consider divorce.

Stats from ONS

I believe (and some Christians will disagree with me here) that there are situations when divorce is needed. they are (slightly extreme situations) when there’s infidelity or any form of domestic abuse. cheating is a difficult one because some couples can survive it, but domestic abuse is non-negotiable. if someone had the courage to leave such an environment the last thing I would do is send them back on the grounds of their marriage vows.

so does this mean if I ever walked down the aisle I shouldn’t say ’til death do us part’? is it the intentions that matters more? or are traditional wedding vows now outdated in todays society?

let me know your thoughts in the comments, I’m still working this all out myself! 🙂

photo cred: Beatriz Pérez Moya

getting off the ‘gram

some time last year I wrote the post mirror, mirror about my rocky relationship with social media. thought it was time for an update

in January I deleted instagram completely on a whim, it was during church and came out of nowhere but in that moment I was just done. I was done with not feeling good enough and pretending I didn’t care that I wasn’t good enough while knowing I cared too much.

instagram is a world of its own, I went into it soon after it launched when life was much simpler. my first picture was actually of the trees behind my school and the only people I followed were Justin Bieber & my then best friend. the place I left was very different, one full of pressures coming from all directions (a whole post by itself).

this small act is what I needed to do to help myself. in the last few months I have found myself comparing so much less and relying more on my faith (which I’m aware not everyone has) to affirm who I am. I am not perfect, but I never needed to be, there’s a verse in the bible that reminds me of this every time I read it

When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor – sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”

bible NLT, Mark 2:17

disclaimer: struggling with comparison or any self worth issues doesn’t make you a sinner. what I love about this verse is that it’s literally saying that my faith is based on saving those who do not have it all together (me).

to make all this official I re-downloaded the app to say my goodbyes (since I had left abruptly) then deleted it again. these are the words I shared and they are so true to what I’m feeling.

apparently, a picture says a thousand words, but too often on insta those weren’t always the words I wanted to hear or say. my relationship with the app has changed the older I’ve got and that came with unexpected & unnecessary comparison. so I’m officially taking a break, I’ll be back when the times right.

K.C.

this isn’t a call for all people to delete instagram, plenty of people use the app well and enjoy it but I know that too many people stay even though its hurting them. if you’re one of those people it’s okay to take a break, even if its just for a day.

generally, things that make you doubt your worth don’t deserve your time. sometimes you realise that something/someone you thought was neutral or even good for you has moved into that category. when it’s a thing, feel no guilt about removing it from your life. people are obviously more complicated but unless its abusive I would always go for dialogue before distance.

a friend in the same position as me sent me this video, it expressed everything I’ve been feeling but struggling to express. watch and share, then remind yourself and your friends that they’re beautiful, whenever you can, and watch them bloom

photo cred: lalo Hernandez 

busy busy

to my detriment, I have always been one of those people who absolutely destroy their sleep, eating and social cycles in the name of a good grade. I obviously don’t know what ‘balance‘ is or should look like in my life because I just keep doing what I’ve been doing all year, all while being more stressed.

as I go into exam season, I worry I’m just going to fall into the same cycles and crash the moment I’m home for summer. the things I don’t at all want to let slip are revision, going to church and making time for my friends, but from the sounds of that I need to give up sleeping and food which isn’t sensible. everything I am juggling feels too important to drop, even if it’s just for a season.

I could argue though, that it’s worked for me so far… but I want to move away from always being busy, not really being interrupt-able (for good reasons not procrastination, another problem of mine). I am already sick of being stressed and worried, and I’m yet to receive 2019 shot of both.

if anyone has any tips on how to survive the next three months of uni please send them my way. at this point I will try everything. and if anyone wants to pray for me, I’ll be eternally grateful!

photo cred: Angelina Litvin 

April 2016

Every day, month and year I have lived since then has been an utter blessing. Even if it didn’t feel that way in the moment.

The months leading up to April 2016 were my hell, I spent every day wishing that it was my last and praying for the deep brokenness I felt to end. But it was relentless. Life was relentless with how it held onto me despite my battle with it.

That April was rock bottom, I lost one of the most important people in my life without the chance to say goodbye. I felt guilty, robbed and taunted simultaneously, like God was pushing buttons up there waiting to see which one broke me.

In hindsight though, losing Gogo – who this blog is named after – was also what starting the long process of healing me. It somehow saved me and I’m forever indebted to her for that.

In 2019 this healing process is still incomplete but I’m so much more patient & hopeful despite the lows. And I pray that whatever you’re going through, you get to see it through with God leading you every step of the way, however that looks for you.

photo cred: Karolien Brughmans