getting off the ‘gram

some time last year I wrote the post mirror, mirror about my rocky relationship with social media. thought it was time for an update

in January I deleted instagram completely on a whim, it was during church and came out of nowhere but in that moment I was just done. I was done with not feeling good enough and pretending I didn’t care that I wasn’t good enough while knowing I cared too much.

instagram is a world of its own, I went into it soon after it launched when life was much simpler. my first picture was actually of the trees behind my school and the only people I followed were Justin Bieber & my then best friend. the place I left was very different, one full of pressures coming from all directions (a whole post by itself).

this small act is what I needed to do to help myself. in the last few months I have found myself comparing so much less and relying more on my faith (which I’m aware not everyone has) to affirm who I am. I am not perfect, but I never needed to be, there’s a verse in the bible that reminds me of this every time I read it

When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor – sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”

bible NLT, Mark 2:17

disclaimer: struggling with comparison or any self worth issues doesn’t make you a sinner. what I love about this verse is that it’s literally saying that my faith is based on saving those who do not have it all together (me).

to make all this official I re-downloaded the app to say my goodbyes (since I had left abruptly) then deleted it again. these are the words I shared and they are so true to what I’m feeling.

apparently, a picture says a thousand words, but too often on insta those weren’t always the words I wanted to hear or say. my relationship with the app has changed the older I’ve got and that came with unexpected & unnecessary comparison. so I’m officially taking a break, I’ll be back when the times right.

K.C.

this isn’t a call for all people to delete instagram, plenty of people use the app well and enjoy it but I know that too many people stay even though its hurting them. if you’re one of those people it’s okay to take a break, even if its just for a day.

generally, things that make you doubt your worth don’t deserve your time. sometimes you realise that something/someone you thought was neutral or even good for you has moved into that category. when it’s a thing, feel no guilt about removing it from your life. people are obviously more complicated but unless its abusive I would always go for dialogue before distance.

a friend in the same position as me sent me this video, it expressed everything I’ve been feeling but struggling to express. watch and share, then remind yourself and your friends that they’re beautiful, whenever you can, and watch them bloom

photo cred: lalo Hernandez 

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busy busy

to my detriment, I have always been one of those people who absolutely destroy their sleep, eating and social cycles in the name of a good grade. I obviously don’t know what ‘balance‘ is or should look like in my life because I just keep doing what I’ve been doing all year, all while being more stressed.

as I go into exam season, I worry I’m just going to fall into the same cycles and crash the moment I’m home for summer. the things I don’t at all want to let slip are revision, going to church and making time for my friends, but from the sounds of that I need to give up sleeping and food which isn’t sensible. everything I am juggling feels too important to drop, even if it’s just for a season.

I could argue though, that it’s worked for me so far… but I want to move away from always being busy, not really being interrupt-able (for good reasons not procrastination, another problem of mine). I am already sick of being stressed and worried, and I’m yet to receive 2019 shot of both.

if anyone has any tips on how to survive the next three months of uni please send them my way. at this point I will try everything. and if anyone wants to pray for me, I’ll be eternally grateful!

photo cred: Angelina Litvin 

settling in

the first step is always the hardest right?

varsity is a new ball game, it’s a new world for me to find my place and myself in. and there’s a whole 3 years dedicated to that activity. I have been putting too much pressure on myself these last couple days, I don’t need to know my place already. I don’t need to have best friends here already.

the most important thing is to be myself for now, and stick with my faith, then in theory the rest will fall into place. it’s not like I’ve ever been that social butterfly who can instantly make friends and fit into social situations. so I need to be calm and trust that God will be there and wait for the hype to die down.

at the moment, let’s count the blessings. I got into the uni of my dreams to do a course I love, and I have a wonderful support network of people around me. despite all the health  issues of the last year, I’ve made it here in one piece. what more could I ask for tbh?

here’s to the next 3 or more years of this chapter of my life. it is far too early to quit now.

photo cred: Gabriel Santiago

new starts

this time next month, I’ll be starting again. again. the reality of university hasn’t really hit me yet if I’m honest. I am easily the most unprepared person to be going off to uni simply because I’m in denial about the whole process.

but I am also a little bored of starting again. my whole life (if I’m being casually melodramatic) has been a series of being the new girl. emigrating at the age of 8, high school at 10, new sixth form at 16, gap year, then now uni at the ripe old age of 19. really starting to debate if I have a problem with settling anywhere!

I’m so excited about the uni I’ve chosen, after years of day dreaming about it. and I love the course, 300% geeking out about it all. going back to city life will be an amazing buzz after living in the home counties for a little too long.

being a natural introvert makes the prospect of meeting new people a tad daunting. I know I’ll make friends but that doesn’t stop me convincing myself that nobody will talk to me. then comes the academic fears… will everyone be smarter than me there? and of course as an immigrant at heart, there are the nitty gritty deets I’ll have to go through again.

‘no you can’t touch my hair, it’s weird if I’m honest’ 

‘my name is pronounced like __’

the list goes on and is actually quite entertaining sometimes. depending on who I’m talking to and their level of cultural exposure. that’s all before we even get into the whole living with strangers business.

but here’s to a another new start, which I’m sure won’t be my last! It’ll be a fun, probably tipsy, blur and give me funny stories to tell for decades to come. If it isn’t, Ms. May owes me £9,000!

photo cred: Ryan Wilson on Unsplash